Thursday 25 January 2018

Start of the PhD


Jennie Dziegiel did an MA in Religious Studies at Lancaster University, and is now a first year PhD researcher in the Department of Theology and Religion at Durham University. Her PhD looks at how working in healthcare shapes people’s spiritual and religious world views, and is funded by the AHRC Northern Bridge Doctoral Training Partnership. 





As I sit and write this, I’ve been a PhD candidate in Theology and Religion at Durham University for five whole weeks. So obviously I now know everything there is to know about PhD life, and I’m ready to impart my wisdom to the waiting world.


Not.

But I do have some thoughts about what it’s like to be in the very first stages of something as huge and strange as a PhD. Here are five thoughts for my first five weeks. Maybe they’ll help other newbies realise they aren’t alone. Or maybe it’s just an exercise in catharsis for me, broadcast on the internet. Only one way to find out…


1) The whole thing is a bit surreal

The last five weeks have been a bit weird. I’ve been confident and insecure, delighted and grumpy, challenged and listless, productive and pants, over-stimulated and under-stimulated, over-caffeinated and under-caffeinated, excited and terrified. Usually within about an hour (particularly re caffeine). Some of the surrealism comes down to the fact that I’m back in Durham where I did my undergrad, and I keep looking round and wondering where my flatmates have gone and panicking that I’m late for lectures that I no longer have. But a lot of it comes down to the newness. I suppose new things are always a combination of the brilliant and the baffling. I’m told a lot of the first year is like this, so I’m buckling up.


2) I am not an impostor – but boy do I feel like one

Impostor syndrome is real. However many times I remember that I’ve worked hard to get here, that I’ve got a physical MA certificate in my living room, and that a circle of faceless academics has decided I’m capable of doing a PhD, I still spend a lot of time silently worrying that everyone has made a mistake, and that sometime soon it’s going to become glaringly obvious that I know absolutely nothing about religion or social science or theology or writing or thinking and someone will have to gently show me the door. “Everyone feels like this,” they tell me. “But, no, really, I actually don’t have a clue,” I reply. Fortunately I have a fiancĂ© and a family that regularly remind me I’m being silly. But it’s still tough at times.
A lot of impostor syndrome comes down to that ever-present temptation to compare ourselves to others. If you see yourself falling into that trap, heed the wisdom that a fellow first-year-PhD handed me in my college bar: we’re all contributing to knowledge, and we’re all doing it in very different ways. If you’re project’s unique – and it has to be to be a PhD – then the process is going to be unique too. More than at any other academic stage up to this point, I now have the freedom not to compare myself to others. I’m going to try very hard not to.


3) Everyone seems to feel the same

Everyone I’ve spoken to has reassured me that feeling a bit lost or confused or overwhelmed at the start of a PhD is completely normal. It makes handling impostor syndrome much easier. If I have one tip from my first five weeks in this strange business, it would be to admit to other people that starting a PhD is a bit weird. That way we might gradually puncture the myth that everyone else knows what’s going on and we’re the only one who doesn’t, and we might gradually weaken the hold impostor syndrome seems to have on academia. Or something like that. On a more personal level I’ve just found it cathartic to be honest about how I’m feeling. 


4) A work-life balance is important, but tricky

My sense is that it’s going to be very easy for a lot of my life and my identity to become bound-up with my work. Every time I have to explain my research to someone and they don’t react with a requisite level of enthusiasm, a little bit of my soul lets out sad tears of panic. Which is absurd. Yes, I’m going to be spending a lot of time on my PhD. But is it my whole identity? No way. And a work-life balance is key to ramming that home when I’m getting tied up in delusions of either grandeur or inadequacy. Plus, we all know that a good work-life balance helps our productivity, our physical and mental health, our relationships, and a whole bunch of other things besides.

I definitely haven’t nailed this yet. I’ve been really grateful for circles of old friends and for circles of new friends. I’m planning my wedding and it’s the most wonderful distraction I’ve ever had. I’ve subjected my sister to some very creative cooking, most of which has been edible. I’m back playing with my worship band and they make me laugh and feel at peace. But it’s also been tempting and easy to stay in my office for half an hour too long, to eat lunch at my desk, to forget to go outside during daylight, and to let my time off become additional PhD-worry-time. This work-life balance lark is tricky, but I’m glad I’ve realised that early on.

(If you want to sample my creative cooking, I’ll gladly welcome you to Chateau Jennie for some constructive down-time).


5) It’s pretty brilliant.

I worked seriously hard to get to this point. The combination of PhD and funding applications and MA took a lot out of me, and put a lot of strain on my tear-ducts. I legitimately developed my first wrinkles and frankly I’m amazed I didn’t start going grey. So it’s been wonderful, amid the confusion and newness and work and supervisions and conversations, to realise, just occasionally, that I am literally living my dream. And it’s a dream with lots of perks. I love being in control of my time and my work. I love having the mental space to explore something I’m passionate about and believe could genuinely change the world, if only very slightly. I love having a tiny little desk in an office a stone’s-throw away from Durham Cathedral, where I can talk to people who get what I’m going through, and which means that my house feels like a home, not an extended study. Doing a PhD is a privilege in so many ways, and I suspect I’ll do well to remember that on the days when I feel a bit lost.


I had lunch with a friend a couple of days ago. She’s a very wise lady, and embarking on year two of her PhD. She told me that doing a PhD is like running a business. It’s yours and you’re in control. But that comes with its stresses and challenges. There will be days when you love it, and days when you loathe it and need to escape. And that’s OK. 
Share:

Tuesday 9 January 2018

LIFE LESSONS & ACADEMIC JOB MARKET RANT



Although I’m currently in my office at university with the intention to have a productive reading day, I feel compelled to stop everything I’m doing to write this. I thought I’d share some life lessons I have learnt over the past year, in the hope that I can inspire a bit more positivity and perspective in what sometimes seems like a gloomy world.

2017 was far from the best year of my life, which feels like a weird thing to say considering that some of the best life events that could ever happen to me, happened – one of which was getting engaged! But in life the good comes with the bad, and sometimes you just have to accept that. If anything, all the bad things that have happened this year have really enabled me to adapt and progress as a person & to be honest I feel like a much better, open-minded and stronger person because of “all the shit”. I do think that occasionally bad things need to happen to really wake you up a bit and gain fresh perspective, but that being said, you should always live a life of gratitude and be thankful for everything you have – you shouldn’t have to wait for something bad to happen to make you realise how lucky you are, and that’s a mindset I will *always* ensure I have. Anyways, onto some lessons I’ve learnt about academia…

I’ve truly learnt that you will always be told how hard it is to pursue a career in the academy. Time and time again (yawn), people have told me that I need to always have a plan B, just in case getting an academic job in the future “doesn’t work out”. On the same kind of lines, I’ve even been told that if I want to have a family of my own in the future, pursuing an academic career may be difficult. In a nutshell, apparently the two are potentially incompatible (hmm). And people say that there’s gender equality?! No, no, no, we (career-orientated women) have a very long way to go in achieving equality in the workplace. Funnily enough, I’m wearing my Feminism jumper today which is really quite fitting isn’t it? I began to realise that any conversation relating to the academic job market was going to be a negative one and, frankly, I started to become very irritable about it. Doing a PhD is hard enough without getting it rammed down your throat that your dreams of continuing research and teaching after the PhD may always just be a dream, and that the success rate of people getting a postdoc position is few and far between. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the frankness about the reality of the bleak job market, but not when it’s all I ever hear – whether at conferences, funding events or just in general conversation with academics/peers/people.

I had to include a snapshot of my feminism jumper, since I touched upon gender equality!

Sometimes it can be a very difficult pill to swallow. I definitely have my panic-stricken moments when I think about my future and what will happen to me once my PhD is nearing the end and my funding runs out. Instead of thinking positively about the potential opportunities that could be available at that time, I immediately think about how I will cope if I go into unemployment because the possibility of getting a postdoc position it near impossible. How will I pay my bills? How will I tell people that I simply can’t get a job, even though I’ve spent so long qualifying? How long can I put my life on hold until I land an academic job? What are my other options, when I KNOW I want an academic career? Sometimes the bleakness of the job market can stop me in my tracks and make me feel SO incredibly lost and uninspired. I begin to question why I’m doing this damned PhD in the first place if there’s hardly any prospects at the end, which is silly because I’ve dreamt of doing a PhD and pursuing my research passions for so so long and I know I’m living my dream (& hopefully helping people along the way by doing so), even though at times it feels so hard because of all the toxic energy.

This leads me onto another major life lesson I’ve learnt particularly over the past year. Life really is too short and precious to be drowning in all the external negativity. Too often I allowed the negative conversations about academia knock me down, sometimes so much so I struggled to get back up. Every time I was told about the bleakness of the job market, I felt like my dreams dwindled more and more and became even more untouchable and distant. But the reality is, it is a tough world out there, not just in academia but in so many other professions too – it’s full of inequality, lack of opportunities, malicious competitiveness and the list goes on. Which means you have to be even tougher. But not tougher in the sense of caving into the system of shooting others down to get to the top. It’s so important to stay grounded and to always be kind. Work hard and just keep focused on yourself, helping others along the way, and take it one step at a time. I want 2018 to be a year where I embrace #PhDlife and not obsess over the instability of the job market and, therefore, my future. Life is for making the most of the current moment, which I have started to realise now and I’m so much happier for it. It can be hard to escape feelings of hopelessness and negativity about future things when you’re constantly reminded about it, and when we live in a society that forces you to constantly think about your future career plans; but by focusing too much on the future it can also be difficult to make the most of the opportunities that you have NOW. At the end of the day, I am in such an amazing position if I do say so myself– the whole of my postgraduate studies is funded by an amazing research council, which in this day and age is so rare to even get. So why wouldn’t I just be happy and grateful for the opportunity I have been given to live out my dream for the next 3 years of my life? In that time I will have the opportunity to meet so many inspiring people and organisations as part of my research and I literally cannot wait. However, it came to a point where I was getting so miserable about the job prospect thing, that I was finding the PhD process miserable too – the thought of not being able to pursue my passion after the PhD was ruining my experience of doing the actual PhD…unbelievable!

So, I’ve snapped out of the trap I fell into about thinking too deeply about my future – I will cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I’m going to bloody make the most of my PhD experience & block out the negativity as much as humanely possible, and I hope you all do too. And back to reading I go...

Em x

Follow me on Twitter and say hi! @EmilyJLynn  
Share:
© Let's Talk Academia | All rights reserved.
Blog Layout Created by pipdig