Thursday 28 September 2017

My feelings in the build up to starting my PhD





In less than a week I will be officially starting my PhD journey. I register on the 4th October, and subsequently the hard work will then begin. I’ve already had those doubtful moments where I feel like I should have started preparing for it. It’s silly really, because over the past year I’ve been ‘preparing’ for my PhD via my Masters. Also, I really did deserve some time off after handing in my MA diss, as it drained every ounce of energy from me. But, typical of me, I still convince myself that I should have started the PhD in my ‘break’…

In all honesty, I feel a bit odd currently. I’ve been waiting for what feels like such a long time to start my PhD (ever since sixth form days, to be exact!) and it feels weird to think that I’m actually about to embark on this final degree chapter. There’s a mix of emotions. I feel excited, scared, anxious, and happy to finally be able to say that I’m on with my PhD. Once I register, I genuinely don’t know where I’m going to begin. Thankfully, I’ve realised that this is a common feeling from what has been posted on this very blog by some (fab) guest contributors. Rosie has an excellent post about how there isn’t a right way to start a PhD here. It’s a really useful piece of advice, because it’s just so true and relatable. I guess I’ll just have to figure it out on my own, and I’m certain it will all start to fall into place once I get into a routine, touch base with my supervisor and just start the work. We all have to start somewhere – even if that somewhere is unclear – and it will hopefully start to make sense as time creeps forward.


I’ve noticed that I’ve already started having those impostor feelings. I think it’s because I’m about to start such a huge thing, and with any major event, it’s easy to start getting pre nerves and jitters. And nerves always tends to be accompanied with panic doubts: am I good enough to start a PhD? Have I prepared enough in my MA? Where on earth do I begin? Should I be more knowledgeable than what I am currently before I start? And so on… Whilst I don’t think these impostor feelings will ever fully dissolve, I do believe that in time I will start to come into my own and feel more confident in my capabilities. After all, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to pursue a PhD if I wasn’t capable, and it’s important for you, the reader, to remind yourself of this too. All I can do is put in the effort and work hard, and that’s what I plan to do. 


Emily x 

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