Between degrees: imposter syndrome

Sam Rainbow moved to the United Kingdom from Adelaide, South Australia, where she had gained her first two degrees. Coming to Exeter to complete a Masters in Classics and Ancient History in 2015, she made the decision to relocate on a more permanent basis in order to pursue a PhD in the UK. Research interests include Ancient Egyptian mortuary ritual, Ancient Greek Warfare, Mycenaean and Ancient Greek mortuary practices, as well as subversive warfare throughout history. Sam can be contacted at sr462@exeter.ac.uk, her writing blog at wordswritten168.wordpress.com (and/or its social media derivatives @WordsWritten168), or do her stats a favour and have a look at her work blog heritagenow.org.uk

I remember something from my high school psychology class, my teacher stated that two equal and opposite emotions cannot exist simultaneously. I am unfortunate enough to possess two equal and yet opposite personality traits – I am a perfectionist, but I am also the laziest person in the world. Nothing is ever good enough, a 2:1 isn’t a First, and a First isn’t an Upper First. Despite this restlessness I will stay up until 3am watching sludge because I don’t want to walk up the stairs and go to bed, I will be pulled out the door for a pint because ancient Greek Is hard goddamit! The thing is, I do not find Greek incredibly hard. I actually love Greek and it is by far the language that I relate to the most, it’s just….so much effort. When I actually focus I achieve reasonably impressive things in a relatively short period of time, it’s just that focussing my thoughts is like trying to heard cats. Take this for an example: writing the first hundred or so words of this has taken me a ridiculously long time because so far I have gotten distracted by:

1.    the woman in front of me who has a tiny piece of lettuce stuck in her scarf

2.    the gangly teen asleep in his seat has glitter on his face and the shadow of something drawn on his forehead

3.    the man in the other seat is reading Epicurus (cue feeling guilty for having read next to no Epicurus)

4.    the CCTV camera light which flashes every 12 seconds, exactly 12 seconds – I counted

This is the way my brain works and it has caused me, and my potential career, no end of trouble. The most frustrating and probably damaging effect of this, apart from its effect on my Greek grade, is that I believe that it means I am not cut out for academia. If it can’t hold my attention, I mustn’t be cut out for this life.

When I first heard of Imposter Syndrome I thought – well that’s alright for the other brilliant people on my course who needlessly worry but I actually am an imposter. It took an awfully long time for me to realise the irony in that assessment.

I dealt with these thoughts as and when they came and they got fewer as I progressed my education. I read articles, had countless conversations, and developed plenty of techniques to deal with the persistent voice in my head telling me to drop academia and go get a job in a shop. However, nothing prepared me for the different, the sneaky, the slimy, weird cousin of Imposter Syndrome that made its way into my mind when I started working.

I am one of those lucky bastards who has managed to land a job straight out of an MA, in a position relevant to my field. I am a historian by training and I now manage the Heritage Project for a local branch of a global charity. This position entails explorative research, writing about it (and potentially writing a book, so help my big mouth), and presenting this to the public.

This job is amazing, I love my job. Here comes the qualifier – I can’t wait until it is over and I can start a PhD. The problem arises when aforementioned ugly cousin of Imposter Syndrome pops up and lets me know that this is the only thing I will achieve, this will be my last good job, and I will get no PhD offers. Thanks cuz.

It is hard to use the same defences against this mangled Imposter Syndrome used previously, because it has a different nature. This version taunts me not with my own inadequacy but with the future that I won’t achieve because of the success I am currently having. Yes, I have a fantastic job utilizing my research skills but my Imposter Syndrome firmly believes that no admissions board will care.

I have, however, had some success with certain techniques – some more than others.

I am currently undertaking two online courses, they earn me no credits and they cost me money. However, they are regular, they are relevant, and they give me access to university libraries and journal databases I could in no way afford as a civilian.

Every week I log on and I get a pdf of information and a reading list, there is then a discussion forum where we all answer the question posed. Essentially I am paying two hundred pounds for a weekly tutorial.

The other course is directly relevant to my PhD applications – archaeological techniques are not something I have studied before, but I wish to pursue an archaeological topic in PhD. This is not only a great opportunity for me to widen my skill set but also show admissions boards that I have not wasted my time away and strengthened my position.

I half-heartedly continue to study ancient Greek and have begun learning Swedish. I have started to use language study as a way to waste time without feeling guilty. It is not very effective but I can adequately express my need for cheese and desire to pat their cat to my Swedish friends, so I’m counting this as a small victory.

Reading for actual enjoyment – with no regrets. While I never stopped reading for fun during my Masters I did so with the knowledge that my responsibilities were hovering somewhere over my right shoulder. I have found how important it is to have a mental break, I read all day at work and I spend a lot of my evenings critically reading on my laptop. I can hear my mother saying I’ll get square eyes if I don’t take a screen break. I have rediscovered novels and travel writing which I haven’t had the time to enjoy properly, reading for something other than note taking with the goal being to enjoy it rather than to finish it as quickly as possible in order to move on to the next one. Reading a novel instead of an article WILL NOT kill your chances.

Writing, writing anything. Writing research proposals, writing fiction, writing this! I have found that the thing I have simultaneously missed the most and the skill that suffers the most from prolonged disuse is writing.  To combat this I have begun again, I have launched two blogs (one for the work project and one personal) and I am pursuing opportunities to write for other people. Not only do I hope to improve my writing, but I hope to punch that unwanted voice in its figurative face when it comes time to write my applications.

Do I still have the Imposter voice chatting in my mind? Of course I do, but I am not allowing it to derail my plans.